Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I am your girl.
  2. I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
  3. I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
  4. Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own ass.
  5. There should be a website where emotionally void sociopaths can form fake relationships to mask the desperation of lonely lies they tell each other.
  6. If your religion is worth killing for, then do us all a favor and start with yourself.
  7. “What have I done?!!…. EVERYBODY RUN !!” -Creator of the boomerang
  8. When I die, I want my ashes thrown in the face of everyone I ever knew for not working harder to find a way to keep me alive. Jerks.
  9. We scream at each other, we don’t have sex and I’m always in trouble for $hit I didn’t do. This isn’t a friendship. .This is a fcuking marriage!
  10. There’s a special place in hell for people who don’t provide access to alcohol at children’s parties.
  11. “I don’t want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it’s your fault.” ~ girls
  12. I’m not crazy, but I was once abducted by aliens. They interrogated me. I didn’t understand anything. I don’t speak Spanish
  13. I would definitely arch my back for you.
  14. I love looking up at a guy when I’m giving him head. Once we lock eyes, and I smile, I own your ass.
  15. The perfect woman: 1. Beautiful but doesn’t let it get to her head. 2. Intelligent without needing to prove it. 3. Funny as hell.
  16. Talk about the the 7 Dwarfs, I have: “Not me”; “Don’t know”; “Wasn’t Home”; “Not Mine”; “Didn’t use it last”; “Haven’t Seen it” & “I’m Not Doing It!” living with me
  17. I don’t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
  18. Vodka…deleting memories since…uhh…
  19. I have a step ladder never knew my real ladder..
  20. I have a bad case of the Mondays only it’s everyday and it’s called existence.