Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. I’ll pretty much sleep with anyone on the first date if their emails have good spelling, punctuation, and grammar.
  2. If I never use a smiley face in any of the texts I send you…..it’s safe to say I don’t like you.
  3. Only dogs go for bones, Real men go for curves.
  4. Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.
  5. Success stops when you do.
  6. I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
  7. Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
  8. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do…and a woman’s gotta do what he can’t.
  9. LIKE if this is your nightmare…Tries to search for your crush on Facebook. Accidentally sets his/her name as your status.
  10. The words that make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life = “I need to talk to you.”
  11. I’m an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I’m just majestic.
  12. Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
  13. I would like to remind everyone it’s not the size of the boat… Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passengers have gotten off.
  14. I’m ugly” …You spelled “attention seeking whore” wrong.
  15. If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what’s the first thing you’d buy?
  16. Why the fuck are you driving under the speed limit when you were in such a hurry to pull out in front of me?
  17. It’s funny when girl’s think guys are hanging with them, just to be “friends” haha
  18. Ok, but like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?
  19. There comes a time when you gotta stand up and take responsibility for your actions. I like to call this, the nap time.
  20. I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.