Funny One Liners

1000 Funny One Liners

  1. When the cashier asks me “Is that everything?”, I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn’t satisfy her.
  2. I rather have an enemy who admits they hate me, instead of a friend who secretly put me down.
  3. I don’t always think I’m right….but whenever I think I’m wrong I tend to be mistaken.
  4. I’m drinking coffee because people think you’ve got a problem if you drink vodka in the morning!
  5. Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
  6. What do you call it when 2 guys fight over a slut? Tug-of-whor
  7. The person who came up with the word “lisp” wath a real athhole
  8. Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
  9. Crap….all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.
  10. Anyone know where I could find a bunch of “Glad You Aren’t Here” postcards to send out when I go on my vacation in a few weeks? I’ll need about 50 of them.
  11. My wife said I never do anything for her so I packed her bags and put them outside.
  12. You are 15 years old you should feel butterflies in your stomach not a baby kicking
  13. I try to have garage sales but as soon as anyone shows a slight interest in something I take it back into the house & look at it with pride.
  14. I woke up and found Sarah Jessica Parkers head in my bed. I guess I pissed off the mafia.
  15. I will climb the highest mountain. Swim the deepest sea. I will cross the desert land. I would do anything to get the fcuk away from you.
  16. High-definition ruined porn for me. I like my porn blurry so I can’t see butt acne and herp scars.
  17. My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He’s not gay. He has Alzheimer’s and thought it was the car.
  18. I’ve never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I’m prepared.
  19. Bruce Willis is working on the 5th Die Hard movie! They should call this one ”Just kill me already!!!”
  20. Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.