“Don’t stop bereaving.”…………..Karaoke singer at a Philipino funeral..
Warning: Alcohol may make people appear more fcukable than they actually are.
Whenever I see a group of girls talking I just barge in and say “he is such an a$$hole” and just like that, I’m part of the group.
Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it that often.
I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Shoutout to all the girls that can’t update their status because they told some guy they tired…& going to bed.
My Wife told me her fantasy would be to spend the night with George Clooney! Then she flipped out when I told her mine! Apparently, ”Melanie the lady with the nice body next door!” wasn’t a good answer!!!
Sometimes I feel like people are just using me for my likes.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
When your momma taught you to look both ways she didn’t meaa taught you to look both ways she didn’t mean be two faced.
Hostage or not, sometimes it’s just nice to be held.
The worst time to hear I told you so is when you end up saying it to yourself.
My boss texted me, “Send me one of your funny jokes.” I replied, “I’m working at the moment, I will send you one later.” He replied, “That was fantastic, send me another one.”
I can’t believe it. I saw on the news where a midget got pick pocketed in broad daylight…how could anyone stoop so low?
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better,, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
My innocent look never works in the nude.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there’s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Ladies; if you’re not prepared to drink the whole bottle of wine, don’t even uncork it.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg”
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.