Funny Posts

  1. Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
  2. It’s impossible to ruin our friendship with sex. It was ruined the moment you called it a friendship.
  3. You find love when you’re not looking for it, and you can’t find it when you really want to. It’s sh!t like this that makes me drink.
  4. When my girlfriend caught me cheating I told her I got HACKED but she didn’t believe me. I guess that only works on Facebook.
  5. When I was a younger man girls used to “check me out”. Now women just “keep an eye on me”
  6. The older I get, the farther apart I spread my feet when I use a urinal. Soon, I will be doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme split when I piss.
  7. It’s always “Too hard. Too soft. Too short. Too thick.” I’m never inviting Goldilocks to another orgy
  8. Before there was roofies, a caveman would just club a bitch and take her home. That’s why they call the hook up spot “The Club”
  9. If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.
  10. Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs …
  11. Facebook, where people can pretend to be everything they really aren’t to the friends they really don’t have.
  12. Fat, single and ready for a pringle!
  13. RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
  14. What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE.
  15. Used to go out with a girl who’d punch me in the face each time she had an orgasm. I didn’t mind too much until I found out she was faking them.
  16. Bought a blowup doll today but I won’t blow her up til tomorrow. Don’t want to seem desperate.
  17. If someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
  18. When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because they’re too small and the elastic is killing me.
  19. Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
  20. If you have an extraordinary sense of humor and you are able to make sense and relate to my jokes without blushing, puking or being offended, then you are my kind of people and maybe we should hangout sometime.