Funny Posts

  1. Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
  2. My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
  3. This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
  4. Any time I wonder if God exists, I think of women & I know he does. Coincidentally, this is also what I do when I wonder if the devil exists.
  5. We live in a world where we have to hide to make love, while violence is practiced in broad daylight.
  6. Some relationships are like farts, sooner or latter you gonna have to let it go!
  7. It’s amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone.
  8. I had a can of beer last night and on the side it said “Best Drunk Before August, 2012″. I’ve just e-mailed them thanking them for that prestigious award which, of course I graciously accept….
  9. In honor of the Olympics I suggest we start a synchronized drinking team….. Whose in?
  10. So, I hear they’re naming a new paint after you! It’s called Whore Red. Not very Bright, but it’s cheap and spreads really easily!!!
  11. Driving a Prius shows women that you are socially responsible, environmentally conscious, and will be completely unable to make them cum.
  12. If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
  13. I’m not saying she’s a sl*t but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head.
  14. Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?!!!
  15. Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to gain friends,,and just started enjoying reading and writing posts.
  16. My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate EVERYTHING to batman…..What a Joker….
  17. Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she said, “Remember, you have a wife.”
  18. Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!!!
  19. I saved my girlfriends phone number as ‘LOW BATTERY’. Whenever she calls and I’m not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.
  20. My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.