Her smile used to get me through a tough day. Now her smile just keeps me up all these sleepless nights…wondering…what is this b!tch up to???
Two of the three times I’ve jumped out of a moving car, Beiber was on the radio. The other time my grandma entered the freeway the wrong way.
♫ All in all, it’s just a… nother post on my wall. ♫
Just seen an illegal Mexican boy get into a van with a pedophile. Talk about alien vs predator
Sometimes I look at my friends and think to myself, “Where did I meet these crazy people?” But then I think “What would I do without them?”
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!!!
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
When you find it hard to keep a girl, find a girl that keeps it hard.
I installed a clapper in my bedroom last week so that I can turn my lights on and off by just lying in bed clapping my hands. I never really thought that one through… Every time I have a wank my room becomes like a nightclub with strobe lighting.
If you once screwed me over a long time ago and today your life is a living nightmare and nothing seems to go your way; please swallow your pride and come apologize to me so I can tell Karma to stop fcuking with you.
I don’t care who you are. If you can constantly make me laugh, I’m probably gonna wanna fcuk you.
I could be an Olympics commentator because I’m good at pointing and saying, “You can tell she wants it.”
Cuddled up to my girlfriend last night, she said, “Aw you finally chose me over Facebook!” I just didn’t have the heart to tell her my battery just died.
Each day of my life is like a chapter in a book…..deserving of a happy ending….
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
I’m not always a gentleman in the bedroom, but I will hold the door for you so you can leave afterwards.
They say a a dog is man’s best friend, but I don’t even have enemies that’ll look me dead in the eye while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
My girlfriend just replied to my text saying she is up for a threesome tonight! Now I am anxiously waiting for my wife to reply.
The three reasons for liking a status: 1) I agree with you. 2) I realize this is about me, of course I’m gonna like it. 3) I like you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.