I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!
Ran into the apple store and used their bathroom …. iPeed
I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
My fat next door neighbor is lying face down on her front lawn. Don’t know if she’s passed out or eating the grass.
A North Korean man announce yesterday that his Dog gave birth to a 1/2 Dog 1/2 Cat offspring! Also referred to in Korea as the #2 ”Combo”!!!
Went for a job interview! The Boss looked over my resume’ and says ”For someone with absolutely no experience you sure are asking for a high salary!” I said ”Well, Du’h…everyone knows the less you know the harder you have to work!!!”
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
Me watching the Olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan….
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex. She told me she had been having sex with an A-Hole for years.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn’t take it any longer.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
My wife is a liar! Last night I texted her and asked here where she was, she said with her sister Emma. I was with her sister Emma!!
America, a country where people spend half of their money on food, and the other half on losing weight.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
I got a job as a bounty hunter in China. Couldn’t believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we’re fcuked.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.