Funny Posts

  1. I have decided I am going to write erotica for the elderly. Excerpts from Chapter 1: “He wondor the elderly. Excerpts from Chapter 1: “He wondered why she took off her Dentures. Later he could not thank her enough.”
  2. Why is it “romantic” when Aladdin sings A Whole New World while flying on a carpet but “pathetic” when I sing it while laying on a bath mat?
  3. What if you get to heaven and God is like “Nah bra you can’t get in. Remember when you saw my picture on Facebook and you kept scrolling?”
  4. Man I love watching women’s curling in the Olympics. It’s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
  5. The people you may know list should be renamed to, the people you may want to block.
  6. For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
  7. I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I KNOW how much she will cost me.
  8. My wife got naked and asked me to “show her a good time” so I showed her photos of me and my friends before we got married.
  9. All status updates posted on my wall are purely fictional any resemblance to actual people, places or events is purely coincidental.
  10. Following someone on Twitter and complaining about what they tweet about is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them
  11. I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at statuses all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that’s what my boss is paying me to do anyway.
  12. Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a prick.
  13. I invited a friend over after school. I told my mom he’s my brother from another mother. My parents are now in the divorce process.
  14. Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
  15. Sorry I mispronounced your baby’s name you made up.
  16. Aren’t you too fat to be this rude?
  17. ATTENTION : All position for stupid people in my life ,have been filled ,no more applicants need apply. Thank You !
  18. Some days, I just like to live wild and dangerous… These are the days I say to a woman, “calm. the. fcuk. down.”
  19. “Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone.” I said to my wife. “That’s great” she beamed, “So what did she have?” I said, “One of those Blackberry Curves I think…”
  20. You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.