Funny Posts

  1. I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning and said “It’s a bit late for you Kathy, isn’t it ?”. She said “I couldn’t sleep”. I said “That’s not what I meant, you fat b*tch”….
  2. Before updating my status l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
  3. Me and my flat-chested wife went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor said, “What seems to be the problem?” “Well”, I said%
  4. I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.
  5. Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
  6. I’m worried, about that one cute sweet innocent girl who keeps liking my fb post.
  7. Being nice to the people you don’t like isn’t called 2 faced, its called growing up.
  8. My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”. I’m currently sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my batman costume!
  9. If you find something wrong with EVERY person you meet maybe it’s because you haven’t been introduced to yourself!
  10. My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
  11. I have a friend who is a Jehovah’s Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.
  12. I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
  13. Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
  14. My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
  15. Females on Facebook suffer in silence louder than anyone I’ve ever met in my life.
  16. I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
  17. You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
  18. My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering.
  19. Facebook: Making relationship’s look better then they actually are since 2005
  20. If at first you don’t succeed, get her drunk.