Funny Posts

  1. My favorite extreme sport is riding the passenger seat while my wife drives
  2. What’s longer than most relationships these days? This status.
  3. When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn’t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don’t know what is!
  4. If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
  5. This Status maybe recorded for quality and training purposes
  6. Homeless people’s dogs must think, “Damn, this is the longest walk ever!”
  7. I once dumped a cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone else%3ss eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone else
  8. It is unfair that girls mature faster than boys. Girls get their boobs at 13, and men get their boobs when they’re in their 40’s
  9. I texted my girlfriend “I love you” and she texted back “I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent “I love you moist”….I figured why correct it, it’s true too.
  10. It’s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
  11. I don’t have a problem with idiots… I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.
  12. Now I know why they call her “head nurse” It’s because she is in charge of the other nurses…not what I was hoping for.
  13. Yelling “Whore!” in a public place and watching 15 girls turn around is pretty……… fun.
  14. We’re all sex addicts. Some of us just have better dealers.
  15. My ex sent me a picture to remind of what I’m giving up. I sent her a picture of my new girl so she knows I don’t give a f*ck…
  16. If I ever start a team, I’m going to name it “Each Other Off”…That way when we loose a game, the other players will have to tell people they “beat each other off last night”!!!
  17. Maybe if women would quit playing games they’d worry less about competition
  18. My wife once told me she was a rich b***h. Turns out she was only half right…
  19. People go to the bar hoping for two things…to get hammered or to get nailed.
  20. I disagree, but I respect your right to be stupid.!