It be cool if that Malaysia plane appeared with Amelia Earhart flying it back
Actions speak louder than Facebook posts…
Dear Lord, if my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they won’t bother hating on mine.
I look in a mirror and wonder what became of the eager, wide-eyed boy with the world in front of him, then figure by the size of me I ate him.
My contact lenses just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can’t see sh!t.
Spend life with the people who make you happy, not the people who you have to impress.
High schools shouldn’t have school zones. If you can’t cross the street by the time you’re in HS you deserve to get hit.
Why do married men hang strobe lights from their bedroom ceilings? To create the optical illusion that their wives are moving during sex.
Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she’ll probably suck it as well!
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like… “Dude, shouldn’t you be hanging out with people your own age?”
A woman’s heart is as tender, vulnerable and fragile as a man’s balls. Don’t break hers and she won’t break yours.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
When you’re with the right person, you feel the perfect balance of happy and horny.
Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn’t, stupid enough to do it anyway.
Tip: Instead of doing that thing where you obviously crop your ex out of the photo, you could actually just take a new picture.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Why spend all that time in school to be a doctor,, when you can save lives by forwarding an email or reposting a status on your Facebook wall?
“Give it to me!” she said, “I’m so fcuking wet, give it to me right now!” And I replied, “Fcuk you, it’s my umbrella!