The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
Rules for texting a girl: 1. Don’t take 40 minutes to reply. 2. Use good grammar. 3. Ask Questions. 4. Use the 🙂 face.
%3. Ask Questions. 4. Use the 🙂 face.
Marriage Tip: Try not to leave a footprint on your spouse’s ass as they get out of the car when you drop them at the airport.
I am used but in good condition.
Went from being single to being single like a boss.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
I’m sorry, I don’t find you arousing. No hard feelings.
Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason.
If you don’t like being a door mat….then get off the floor
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
Flappy bird is like the new angry bird except this time I am the angry one.
My doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked ” What did he say about your fat ass?” I said to my husband, “Oh , the doctor didn’t say anything about you dear!”.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
The amount of people who confuse “to” and “too” is amazing two me.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a c*nt.
Shirley Temple, a wonderful example that making sex tapes, twerking, and going to re-hab are NOT necessary to make it in Hollywood. Classy is ALWAYS in style. RIP Little Princess.