Funny Posts

  1. I’ve decided I’m not going to have kids. I love babies, but I’m just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.
  2. In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it
  3. I met a Spanish man with a Rubber toe……his name was Roberto
  4. Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
  5. I was talking to a nice young women last night, she asked me if I like breast or legs. I told her what I really like is a nice shaved snatch. Apparently I’m not allowed in KFC anymore.
  6. I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work
  7. Just went down to get my driver’s license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they’ll just think I’m spastic.
  8. I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
  9. I was on the exercise bike for almost 30 minutes just now. It was pretty easy. Tomorrow I may even try using the pedals.
  10. Don’t like tipping bathroom attendants for merely handing me a towel. Maybe if he performed a service like wiping my ass I’d consider it.
  11. Fat lady hops on an Exercycle next to me, she says, “I’m here to lose weight.” Me: “And you waited ’til the last min, didn’t you?”
  12. I Have plenty of girls who can suck, I’m looking for the one who can blow my mind.
  13. My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and i’m her useless sack of s hit.
  14. Your ass must get jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth!
  15. Sometimes when i don’t want my wife to find something I Put it in her purse
  16. I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me…
  17. Please write another brilliant status about how high you are. I’m on the edge of my seat here.
  18. I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
  19. Sexy is when a woman is hot enough to flaunt it but chooses not to.
  20. I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can’t have any more food and I’m never ready for that kind of commitment.