Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I’m like “Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!”
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. … Oh wait, That’s my dog. My dog does that.
If sex is said to be the best exercise than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there’s idea. . .
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they’re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
When my girlfriend and I decided to make it official, I told her: I have to tell you, before we met, I was… well…promiscuous. Oh cool she exclaimed. I love Greek mythology.
When everyone was giving apples to their teachers, I was the one giving cucumbers… Still to this day, Mr. Smith won’t look me in the eyes.
I take the time every night to read Facebook statuses to my children as part of my stay in school campaign.
I need to print some my Facebook friends’ status updates on toilet paper so I can wipe my bum with them.
When I date single moms, I tell the kids “I’m just trying to fill the hole left by your father;
Best thing ever is when you see your X-Girlfriend and she is now your XL-girlfriend
Dear Doctor Phil, I was wacking off, looking out our bathroom window at the neighbor lady sunbathing topless. And seen my wife watching me with her arms crossed and giving me a dirty look…My question is, Is she perverted?
I wish mirrors and pictures would get together already and agree on what I really look like.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
I was trying to get my girl to try @nal. She said “Fine I’m gonna stick my finger up your ass and see how you like it!” The wedding is in a week
If you’re a chick who says “chivalry is dead” I hate to be the one to tell you, but its only dead for you because you’re ugly.
Just because someone says, I love you, doesn’t automatically mean they love just you.
Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshiping cats.