“It’s the little things in life that make you laugh,” my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
If it’s important to you, you will find a way to make it happen. If it’s not, you will find an excuse.
Sometimes when I’m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I’ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009……That should freak her out a bit…
The Olympics start tomorrow…or should we refer to it as The Hunger Games? Rabid Dogs running loose, Water not fit to drink, corrupt politicians, Security threats, Just surviving will get you a Gold Medal
Women who say the quickest way to a mans heart is through his stomach hasn’t seen his browser history.
If I’ve learned one thing from Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death, it’s that someone needs to introduce Bieber to heroin.
I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”
If you ever feel uncomfortable in your body, just remember that Pornhub wouldn’t keep their fat girl category if guys didn’t like it and it wasn’t making them money.
I hate when the whole Internet mourns someone’s death & I have to Google them to find out if they were a politician, an athlete or a Muppet.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again
My Facebook movie is okay, but the book was better.
You should be able to pick a theme for your Facebook movie… Because some of you should need to pick drama…
Making popcorn for these Facebook movies.
My wife gets a bit irritated when I talk about my second and third marriage because, you know, she’s my first.
My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they’re like “It wasn’t that hard”
I am willing to promise my kids anything just so they go away for a while. I learned that trick from the government
I’m trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?
This polo shirt has two buttoning options: Uptight golf prick or disco chest hair.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.
I plan to forgive and forget. Forgive myself for being stupid and forget you ever existed.