Had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O’Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook & pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.
I met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up back at my place. I didn’t have a f*cking clue what I was getting myself into. So I politely asked her to shave it.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.
You know you have an awesome bra… when you can do the entire ‘Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes’ song…. with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!
Most people need a reason to drink, I need a reason not to drink.
Umm, when someone posts that they’re having a bad day, I don’t think it’s proper Facebook etiquette to “like” their status.
A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.
I consider myself a hopeless romantic because I only fall in love with women who are out of my league.
If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don’t vampires s*ck co*k? Oh wait, Twilight.
Are you on Facebook ? Cos I sure would like to Poke You
There should be a store for women in their 40’s who try to dress like their children called Forever Inappropriate.
Hey ladies, tired of your boyfriend complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow…
That awkward moment when someone isn’t texting you back and then you see them update their status from mobile.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing…
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
‘Put that down you fat piece of sh*t’ – the title of the dieting book I’m writing.
My signature sex move is flirting like a pornstar then getting awkward as fcuk once it looks like something could actually happen.