Funny Posts

  1. I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly
  2. I’m glad the Library of Congress is archiving tweets so that someday alien scientists will know why civilization fell.
  3. If the workouts you’re talking about aren’t the bedroom variety no one wants to hear about it.
  4. All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
  5. So when is this ‘old enough to know better’ suppose to kick in ?
  6. Legend has it the “M” in MTV once stood for music.
  7. Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08′ album  at 4am.
  8. Dogs are tough. I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy.
  9. Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes how amazing you’re life is.
  10. Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert
  11. I’m not saying I’m batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?
  12. The Wife just asked if she looked OK in her new pants.. She did… But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…
  13. I’m not surprised Kristen Stewart couldn’t act faithful. She can’t act happy, sad, frightened, mad, shocked or aroused either.
  14. What’s the difference between a wedding and a funeral? One less drunk.
  15. All that Felix proved Sunday was that Red bull does not give you wings… You must use a parachute
  16. I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
  17. Hey hot single dads; I wanna call you daddy too.
  18. I can sum up EVERY Presidential debate in 4 words: Same Sh*t, Different A$$holes.
  19. I overheard my neighbor telling someone on the phone that I am creepy and weird. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed and confront her.
  20. People are like songs…. some speak the truth and some just make sound.