Spoiler Alert: There will be a minimum of 4 “Gangnam Styles” at every party this Halloween.
I used to love your updates. Then you pissed me off, and now your updates piss me off too.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel….
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.
Women, give them an inch and they’ll want all eight.
It’s really only a matter of time before Lady Gaga gets Justin Beiber pregnant.
Please copy and paste this to your status if you’re constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won’t copy and paste this, but my truly sarcastic friends will copy and paste it, because they know this was copied and pasted from a dear friend in need of more stuff to copy and paste. And if you don’t copy and paste it, then this means you hate puppies and bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win.
Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower??
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I’ve only missed one day
I’m not saying she faked her orgasm, all I’m saying is my p enis wasn’t even in.
Shooting has started on a sequel to the movie Superman “Man of steel” to be titled “Balls of Steel” staring Felix Baumgartner
When a girl doesn’t invite me up to her place after a date I just assume it’s because she’s a hoarder with 30 kitty cats.
Waking up to a “fcuk you” text message instead of a “good morning” one is surprisingly not that bad.
I want to be the reason you pee in six different directions every morning.
I got fired from work on pajama day… It’s not my fault I sleep naked.
Hey Target, it’s Mid October, calm the fcuk down!-Santa
Casual, but fun. Casual butt fun. That extra “t” can ruin your night.
What doesn’t kill you……seriously disappoints me!
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.