Funny Posts

  1. What does the Michael Jackson action figure have written on the back of the box? Not suitable for children. Colors may vary.
  2. Give a man a gun he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the whole world
  3. If sober me won’t do it…drunk me will.
  4. I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I’m just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!
  5. Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 34, looking for some action!”, so I sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.
  6. Girls at hooters may be hot. but when it comes down to it, the ladies at subway are the real wife material..
  7. You know you’re getting old when you can’t tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.
  8. Occasionally, I like to go to Walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier
  9. Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you
  10. While you’re busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out fcuking someone else for real.
  11. My friend handed out wedding invitations at her baby shower, like the classless knocked up slut she is.
  12. The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle.
  13. Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
  14. You only live once? False, you live everyday. You only die once.
  15. Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn’t wave back… So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.
  16. Give a girl a slutty costume and she’ll whore around for one night. Give her a bad education and she’ll whore around forever.
  17. Glad to live in a time where being social doesn’t require making eye contact.
  18. I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm.
  19. Call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don’t work
  20. Maybe I should get married. Its not like I have sex anyway.