They’ll hate you if you’re pretty. They’ll hate you if you’re not. They’ll hate you for what you lack and they’ll hate you for what you got
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb crap
I wish I were as attractive to women as I am to mosquitoes.
I’m 94% sure I’m going to die in a running in flip flops incident.
I’m so glad you don’t give a crap, because that would be a disgusting gift.
If I call you cupcake it’s because I’m probably going to put my vanilla frosting on your forehead
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They’re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in the news. He claims he found a way to bring in $50 million for Toronto. America will pay him to take Justin Bieber back.
I’m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer’s.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
I did a stand up gig once for the homeless. I said “It’s nice to see so many bums on seats”.
I say no to gay marriage. It’ll end up leading to gay divorce, and that’ll be bitchy.
I saw a charity appeal in the newspaper the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move.
Is as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said “Alright, fatty.”
Sometimes… You just gotta treat life like a bad lay… Make funny faces and pretend you’re having a good time.
Great minds think alike but dirty minds work together 😉