Funny Posts

  1. So drunk that if Dracula bit my neck right now, he’d get a Bloody Mary.
  2. Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
  3. When I ask someone what their name is, why do I never actually listen to their answer?
  4. What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
  5. To whom it may concern, The inventor of thirsty Thursday obviously never had to work on friday…
  6. Ugly is such an ugly word. If you must describe me I’d prefer if you used the term “handsomely-challenged”
  7. A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.
  8. Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
  9. ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
  10. To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
  11. Ladies, I’d like to remind you that trying to play “hard to get” doesn’t work when you’re already “hard to want”.
  12. Remember: Before you were Mommy’s little darling you were Daddy’s little squirt.
  13. When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
  14. Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
  15. Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
  16. It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist’s finger before she stops believing that you’re doing it accidentally.
  17. You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seat-belt on
  18. “Hello Kitty” should have been a brand of condoms…