Funny Posts

  1. If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
  2. Women claim men are dogs but remember if you feed a dog his favorite food all the time, he will never leave home.
  3. A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
  4. I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled*F@CK ME*…what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life…
  5. If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
  6. Come a little closer so I can push you away. – Women
  7. Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that’s what your face looks like.
  8. I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me “sweetie” too.
  9. If you’re looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.
  10. Dear phone. If you wouldn’t remind me every ten seconds that my battery was low, I’d be able to finish my status upda
  11. Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea, I’m not black.
  12. What if they make a movie about Leo’s life and how he couldn’t win an Oscar, and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar…AWKWARD!
  13. The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won’t need to adjust her driving.
  14. Don’t blame me for your issues. Your seat on the crazy train was reserved long before you met me.
  15. The difference between being interrogated by a terrorist & interrogated by a woman is that eventually the terrorist will end your suffering.
  16. Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
  17. I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
  18. Hell hath no fury like a woman whom you won’t let see a picture of her you just took.
  19. I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don’t know them.
  20. Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?