If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Received a call from a recruitment consultant. She said to me: “Sir I have two openings for you…!” I replied : Yes. I know .There was a long silence and then she hung up.
True friends don’t judge each other…. They judge other people, together.
Speaking of lent some of you mofos owe me money
I’m clingy, but not ” Simon Cowell’s t-shirt” clingy.
Once upon a time, I used to worry that people would think I’m weird. These days I’m genuinely surprised when they don’t. 😉
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Researchers in Hawaii recently put webcams on the fins of sharks so they could get a firsthand view of what the sharks see. The first thing they saw: a shark eating the guy who strapped a webcam on its fin.
I want to start my own ice cream brand and call it “Lick Me Till”. Lick me till ice cream…
The inventor of the remote control died yesterday. As per his wishes, he’ll be buried in between 2 couch cushions.
Sometimes I like to re—post my statuses that didn’t get any “Likes”… because they deserve a second chance too.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste…
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
It’s nice finding people from our past. I’m still trying to find the girl from elementary school that couldn’t stop sucking her thumb.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
The Walking Dead. Or better known as The Running Living.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex … Probably with the other sock.
F*CK You ↑ You ↖ You ↗ You ↙ You → You ↓ You ↩ You ↪ You ↬ You ↫ You ↪ You ↩ You ↲ You ↯ You ↱ You ↰ You ↷ You ↳ You ↶ You ↴ You ↵ And You ↺
A man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don’t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.