I wear my wedding ring on my middle finger to remind me of how f*cked I am
Sometimes The Best Things In Life Are Worth Waiting For.. So Wait For Me I Will Be Right Back…
On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, “It looks so different sober.”
Being stuck in the” friend zone” is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
Even death can’t get you out of the friend zone… she’ll be at your funeral like “he was like a brother to me”
Dear credit card company, Your endless calls are a waste of both your time and mine. If you were dumb enough to approve me for a credit card at the height of my alcoholism… be smart now and realize my sober ass isn’t payin’ you sh!t.
It’s like my wife didn’t even TRY to clean the house while I went out to play poker… I mean, how am I supposed to live like this?
I text-ed my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had un-tagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, “They were really embarrassing!” “Embarrassing???” She screamed, “It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!”
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, “At least they picked me”
Quit criticizing the girls that take slutty pics and put them on Facebook! I like looking at them you homo!
You’re in love and I couldn’t be happier for you. But can you let go of each other’s hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?”
I thought my date had big man hands… until I realized I was sitting in the wrong seat in the theater after coming back from the restroom
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.
It seems women are not content with just being women these days. First there was Beyonce with “If I was a boy” now there is this Bieber chick with “If I was your boyfriend”
That moment when the woman you’re dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, then you realize she just lost an earring… and that no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.
I am conducting a survey to see who is the most awesome person on Facebook. To find out who it is read the first two words of this status.
A good laugh, a great orgasm, and a long sleep are the best cures for most woes… For everything else there’s booze.