Funny Posts

  1. A woman’s cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs.
  2. Checking your phone when someone pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation.
  3. GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk” Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
  4. The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients’ bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse.
  5. You know your old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
  6. My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
  7. If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status… Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.
  8. I don’t have to be attractive. I am an asshole. Women swarm to me.
  9. I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
  10. If you still talk about it, you still care about it.
  11. Today my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she said I was the other guy.
  12. I’m coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.
  13. I think the reason old people sleep in separate bedrooms is so they don’t have to wake up next to someone dead.
  14. You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
  15. Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
  16. Stupidity: Running over a string 10 times with the vacuum cleaner, picking it up, looking at it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
  17. When a woman cooks you dinner you’re either going to get laid or poisoned.
  18. Don’t judge a woman by her granny panties but by what’s inside.
  19. I just heard a woman in a supermarket say this to her 7 year old daughter… “Don’t spit! Ladies never spit!” Fcuking. Priceless.
  20. Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.