Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.
As I continue to go bald, every day is both the worst hair day of my life, and best hair day I’ll have for the rest of my life.
When it comes to bomb-making or bomb-defusing…nobody learns from their mistakes
I wonder what kids today are going to tell their kids. ‘Yeah. it was rough back then. I didn’t get a smartphone til 4th grade and sometimes the wifi didn’t work upstairs.’
Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!
If you lend someone 20 Bucks, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.
Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.
I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, social security, retirement funds, etc. So, I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin’ call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck……
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
A report indicates Viagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, Viagra sales have skyrocketed.
People are funny. They spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like.
People reckon I’m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid)
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
British Intelligence is warning that terrorist groups could fit women terrorists with exploding breast implants. They knew it was only a matter of time before Al Queda started setting booby traps…
Most of us can keep a secret. It’s the people we tell it to who can’t.
What’s the difference between England and a tea bag ? The tea bag stays in the Cup longer
“Q. Why were India kicked out of the Soccer world Cup held in England in 1966 ? A. Every time they were given a corner, they built a shop.”
Virgin Airlines is opening a bank called Virgin Money. It’s for people who’ve never been screwed by a bank before.
“I ruined my health by drinking to everyone Else’s.”
“A smile is like tight underwear…it makes your cheeks go up.
“What do you tell a woman with two black eyes ? Nothing, somebody already told her twice”
“Reality is for people who can’t use the internet.”