To all the girls who take pictures in the bathroom in public places, I’m taking a dump in the stall behind you….Don’t forget to tag me
Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
Don’t curse the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn’t start a conversation
Seriously wondering how many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!!
I was at the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, ”I love you.’ ‘She said, ”Is that you or the beer talking?” I replied, ”It’s me… talking to the beer!” 😛
The Kentucky Derby’s was last weekend, and officials were on the lookout for trainers who give their horses Viagra to make them run faster. Remember the old days when the horse would just win by a nose?
I don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.
I do ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I love watching two girls meet each other. It’s easily the most fake thing I have ever seen.
Osama was found hiding in mansion in Abbottabad. Talk abbot-a-bad place to try and hide…
They say best friends are hard to find: well that’s cause the best ones are already mine…:)
Sh*t happens all the time , just flush and move on.
Anybody who says they could never conceive of killing another human being just needs to meet more people.
Tomorrow is Fathers Day. I heard iPad accessories are the big thing for Father’s Day this year. I got my dad a leather case, a screen protector and a new charger. If he ever gets an iPad he’s all set.
We waste our entire youth to obtain wealth and later on our entire wealth to obtain youth.
Remember, people only rain on your parade because they’re jealous of your sun & tired of their shade.
A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a ‘friend’ that is ALWAYS in need is getting on my nerves.
Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember