Awesome Quotes for Facebook

  1. My wife tried to buy something online yesterday…. Anyone know how to get a credit card out of a floppy drive?
  2. How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
  3. Facebook does NOT ruin relationships. Relationships ruin Facebook
  4. 1). It’s important to have a woman who cooks. 2). It’s important to have a woman who makes you laugh. 3). It’s important to have a woman trust you. 4). It’s important to have a woman that’s good in bed. 5). Its very very important that these 4 women don’t know each other.
  5. Yesterday at my friends wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living”….. I dint have to move an inch…was standing right next to the bartender.
  6. Weekend’s coming up. Time to surf the real world.
  7. I pointed to two old farts sitting across the bar and told my friend “That’s us in 10 years”. He said “Dude, that’s a mirror”
  8. I’m so glad I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it. 😛
  9. He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good… Sounds like Santa’s had Facebook way before us.
  10. My Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  11. I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn’t fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn’t know. He couldn’t catch it.
  12. Love many, trust few, and learn to paddle your own canoe.
  13. Given the choice between Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s, I would prefer Parkinson’s. I would rather spill a little beer than forget where I put it.
  14. Guys insult each other and don’t really mean it. Girls compliment each other and don’t really mean it either
  15. A girl’s best asset is her ‘lie’ ability
  16. I saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other this morning. Gives me hope for the future. Or at least another Rush Hour movie
  17. God grant me the serenity to accept the things Facebook changes, the courage to change the settings I can, and the wisdom to know it won’t make a difference.
  18. While single, focus on becoming a better person instead of focusing on finding someone better than your ex. A better you will attract a better next.
  19. If you thought the last status was good, Check this one out……..1
  20. My aunt sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn’t post things that some people might find offensive. After much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her

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