Looks like a wonderful day to do all the nothing I have planned.
Why do I always seem to start my day backwards? I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake
Hello! Is this the police ? POLICE: Yes! What’s Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What’s wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning…. Hurry!!!
I failed my Health and Safety class test today. Apparently, when they ask you,”In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?” “F**kin’ large ones” is not the correct answer.
When I was younger, my mom would give me 10 Bucks to go to the grocery store and I would bring a dozen eggs, bag of candy, gallon of milk, a box of tea and potato chips. I can’t do that now though, there are surveillance cameras now.
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked “tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?”. I replied “yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom
I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
Wife: Do you want some dinner? Me: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No
About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.
It’s sad to see how people seem to put more effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage.
The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?
I am going to follow a random gang of drunk girls around the night club tonight, and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Really struggling on what to get my lady for Christmas this year. I mean, I’d hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarrassing
Next time you’re at the gym close your eyes. It sounds like you’re in a porno..
When girls or any women ask you “What?” In reply, it isn’t because they didn’t hear you. Its because they are giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said.
Here’s a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and Facebook profiles for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!
Guys: Every two weeks, tell your lady that her new hairstyle looks great!!!! You might not notice it…… but trust me, they changed it. You can thank me later. 🙂
A Woman’s tongue & Man’s eye, will ‘rest’ only when they die.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show these fu**in pedestrians how its done!
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
No matter how you behave with people around you. They will love you according to their NEED and MOOD
As you Mature… you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
I’m starting to be careful about drunk driving now that Christmas isn’t far away..In fact last night I left my car at the pub and took the bus home. I’m quite proud of myself, I’d never driven a bus before..!!”
Me…..” Hurry up honey or we’ll be late.” Wife.. “Oh, be quiet, Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”
Never ask someone to promise they’ll never hurt you, because at one time or another they will. Ask them to promise that the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end.
W.I.F.E – Will Investigate & Find out Everything
Man says to his friend, “If I slept with your wife while you were at work and got her pregnant would that make us related ?” Friend replies, “Gee I dunno about related, but I know it would make us even”