Just like to give a shout out to the guy who plays triangle in our orchestra. Thanks for every ting.
My dad said to me, “If you really want something, you’ve got to get out there and grab it with both hands.” So I did …Now the barmaid with the big tits at the ‘Rose and Crown’ has reported me to the police.
Mosquitos are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood.
Oh, you hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called “Everybody”, and we meet at the bar.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
Morning wood starts the best fire.
I thought I’d spent all night disco dancing with this girl in a club. But apparently she was deaf and telling me to ‘f*ck off’.
I’ve just been reading about this toddler in China who fell eight stories out of a window. Apparently he was caught by a woman walking by. The kid was fine, and he was back in work the following day.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.
It’s not about how she looks, it’s all about how she looks at you.
What’s the difference between Justin Bieber and Pinocchio? Some day, Pinocchio’s going to be a real boy.
I’ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don’t talk to me about dedication!
A Massachusetts man was arrested for illegally keeping over 400 birds in his home. He tried to keep it a secret, but he couldn’t keep the birds from tweeting about it.
Police Officer: “Turn around!” Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Today local police found an unidentified man’s body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a tiny little Wiener. I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.