When I see a couple sharing the same facebook account I always want to ask them which one of you got caught having an affair
Been watching Sharknado. When did Tara Reid turn 60??
Weekend settings activated, please don’t call unless if its alcohol, food, fun, alcohol, fun and food again. All problems deferred to Monday…
I phoned my girlfriend, and said, “I was thinking dinner in my place tonight, think you can make it?” She said, “I’ll be there at seven, babe.” I replied, “Make it five, the dinner won’t prepare itself.”
My wife drove us into town today, she parked up in a sidestreet. I said, “I’ll get a taxi from here.” “Where to?” She replied. “To the f*cking kerb.”
I was running down a street and saw a bloke, I shouted “Run quick, some lions have escaped from the zoo.”He said “which way are they heading?” I replied “Well, I’m not chasing the fuckers.”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
I used that classic Liam Neeson line from “Taken” today.. “I will find you, and I will kill you.” My niece didn’t want to play hide and seek anymore.
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be tit shaped.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Actor Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber last night during an argument at a night club in Spain. Orlando’s hand was pretty sore today, you know, from all the high-fives he got.
Look I see that you love me and would kill for me, but this guy over here barely notices me and has a GF. I’ll play the odds. -Woman logic
I love Summer. Two weeks of doing absolutely f*ck all. And, once my boss gets back, I get to go on holiday as well.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I’m not saying it’s a bad idea to bring an Ebola patient to Atlanta, I’m saying everyone should leave Atlanta because I’ve seen this movie….
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I was at the pub the other day when the landlord walked up to me, handed me a phone and said, “It’s for you, sir” “Thanks mate,” I said, took it and walked away. What a generous lad.
A company in India is releasing the first-ever “smart shoe” that connects with Google Maps to track your footsteps. “Merry Christmas,” said your wife.