I was surprised to read that an African doctor treating Ebola patients had died from the disease. Surely he could have stayed a safe distance from the patient while he danced and waved his magic bone.
Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I’m dealing with cuz some of you f*ckers are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
I’m so thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside, instead of apps and how many likes you get on a picture.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
Ladies, they’re called “Skinny Jeans.” Not “Makes You Skinny Jeans.”
Like if you believe in God. Remember he saw you reading this.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behaviour
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.
Raising ones leg and releasing a loud fart is a proper response for any man who doesn’t like his wife’s tone of voice.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it’s the duct tape of food.
If your dog is fat it means that you don’t get enough exercise.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list… I got the bucket
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don’t have to see, touch, or smell them.
I was rejected at this job interview that I had. Apparently, “gang rape” is not a suitable example to prove that you are good at working in teams.
You know you’re an ugly c*nt when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.