The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.
Dear Life…Would you at least start using lubricant….
I’m going to carry on drinking, smoking, and having unprotected sex. Recent figures show that you are more likely to die in a plane crash.
Malaysia Airlines passengers have recently been asked about their flight experience; 5% said they were satisfied. 10% said they were extremely satisfied and 85% said they were blown away.
Itís sad when a girl breaks up and changes back to her ìI need attentionî Facebook picture.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now heís walking around like a sour puss.
I’m glad they finally made waterproof phones. Pushing friends into the pool is funny.
Political views are like children. Some people donít have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.
Life Pro Tip: Putting your phone in airplane mode will stop ads while you play.
There’s a lot of speculation about the new iPhone. It’s expected to have a larger screen and a better operating system. Yes, the new iPhone will be called last year’s Samsung Galaxy.
The Commonwealth Games: An excuse NOT to invite Russia, China and the USA.
The Commonwealth Games: For when you can’t win an Olympic medal.
An African athlete has been banned from the Commonwealth Games after testing positive to a ‘performance enhancing substance.’ ….Food.
I was watching the men’s hockey at the commonwealth games today, I was thinking it must be a very dangerous game to play, I mean half the Indian team were running around with bandages on their heads
This girl just posted a status on Facebook which said:”F*CKING PHONE!!!!!!!!!” Apparently, “Can I watch?” is not an appropriate reply.
Commonwealth Games: Building unrealistic goals and dreams for British athletes going to the olympics since 1930.
Queen Elizabeth’s horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse’s urine sample with Prince Harry’s.
My girlfriend went to get her test results from the doctor today and it was bad news. He confirmed I’m about to become a husband.
This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain ‘spot’, and if you hit this spot at exactly the right strength, it will make a woman willing to do anything for you. It’s called the face.
Went to the opticians today leaving with them telling me my eye sight is better than 20/20. So when I say you look like a C*NT, i think i know what i’m talking about.