Funny Whatsapp Status

  1. Happy birthday to England’s Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla.
  2. I just read about this student at MIT who’s created a new robot that can play Connect Four. Yes, an emotionless machine that can occasionally sit down and play a board game with you, or as I called that growing up — my Dad.
  3. It’s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I’d of sent a bloody letter
  4. Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders… * How I learned this rule is not important.
  5. I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
  6. I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
  7. Glad to live in a time where being social doesn’t require making eye contact.
  8. Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.
  9. “Does my bum look big in this dress?” my wife asked this morning. I said “No, but the dress does look quite small on your arse”.
  10. I was walking past the supermarket when I saw a sign saying, “All items: a third off.” I bought a dozen eggs but unfortunately 4 of them were bad.
  11. I read in the news today that a man in Los Angeles was killed when he got caught up in a turf war. I wonder if he was mowed down?
  12. “Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han Solo all waking up in Vegas.
  13. Posting a status update before responding to someone’s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
  14. According to a recent study 52% of women have used vibrators….I’m guessing the other 48% have new ones?
  15. If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
  16. 1969: America winning space race with the Russians 2014: America keeping up with the Kardashians.
  17. Every timeI see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
  18. If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
  19. “Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
  20. I cracked two jokes earlier about Malaysian Airways. The first got no response and the second crashed and burned.