A pine tree planted in 2004 in memory of former Beatle George Harrison in a Los Angeles park has died after being infested by beetles.
I ought to start doing more with my weekends than just sit at home drinking beer, jacking off to porno mags and playing minesweeper. I do enough of those things at work.
A hot girl in front of me at the self service checkout today left her purse on the side, so I did the right thing and called her back. “Excuse me” I said. “Would you like to go out for dinner tonight? My treat”.
I have come up with a truly fantastic business idea for Malaysia Airlines. A new slogan! “Leaving on a jet plane, don’t know if I’ll be back again.”
Best of luck to Steven Gerrard, who’s retired from not winning the World Cup to concentrate on not winning the Premier League.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
50 notifications later and I regret commenting on your status.
There’s no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
You would have thought that someone would have invented hindsight sooner.
If you’re anxious and you know it…Clasp your hands.
I had 2 big surprises today. The first one was that the Thai massage centre at the bottom of my road is actually a brothel…
The word ”Fat” just looks like someone took a bite out of the word ”Eat”.
‘Love’ is picking up tampons at the supermarket for your girlfriend. ‘True love’ is inserting them.
My wife asked me recently to do something to commemorate our pet dog who got run over and killed last month. So I took a shit on the carpet.
My girlfriend told me I need to show a little more interest in her family. So I f*cked her sister.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?