When I was 15, the headmaster called me into his office and informed me that he had decided to make me Head Boy.I was really chuffed for about 10 seconds, then he started to unzip his trousers
This morning some fit blonde asked for my seat on the bus so I replied, “There’s no chance in hell I’m getting up love.” “Why, is it because I’m not pregnant?” “No love, it’s because this is a wheelchair.”
Like many people, I had no idea what to do after I left school. But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to go home.
Why is Arjen Robben not being invited to Alfredo Di Stefanos funeral? They’re scared he’ll try to dive in the box.
The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, “I think the romance in this relationship is dead.” I wish she wouldn’t talk to me while I’m having a wank.
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
If you cloned yourself, and then you become attracted to yourself and ended up having sex with your clone…does that make you gay, or are you just on the forefront of masturbation technology?
I like to jump onto people’s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
Went to one of those cheap all you can eat Chinese restaurants last night and had to make a complaint to the waitress. “Excuse me, this chicken tastes really rubbery…” I said. “Ahhhh thank you very much, I get you some more!” She said.
You always know when your girlfriend is too young for you, when you have to make the aeroplane noise when you stick your d*ck in her mouth!
If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can’t buy.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Dude, she just liked my status, she totally wants me.
A new rumor has surfaced that the next iPhone will feature an all-glass exterior. Because why should just the front be cracked?
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
I was sitting watching Germany V Brazil in the World Cup Semi final when the Germans went 7-0 up…I said, “F*cking hell! You’d think the Germans would take their foot off the gas…” My Grandad just laughed.
A great tribute from the Brazil team to Neymar. He couldn’t play so the rest of the players decided not to either.
What’s the difference between Brazil and Oscar Pistorious? Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on Target
England can’t win anything. Brazil took away their top spot of Most Embarrassing team.
I haven’t seen David Luiz this upset since Bart and Lisa got him sent to prison.