Funny Whatsapp Status

  1. Calling someone “stupid” is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it’s just a diagnosis.
  2. Grandma complained that no one ever calls, so I put a “How’s My Driving?” bumper sticker on her car…The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.
  3. One does not simply talk to their pet in a normal voice….no they don’t, oh no they don’t.
  4. You show me your boobs and I’ll show you my tattoo… Tit for Tat
  5. Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
  6. Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I’ve only missed one day.
  7. I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
  8. The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
  9. Give a girl an inch and she’ll want the other 6 too
  10. The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
  11. Being an adult is basically that feeling when the fireworks are over and it’s time to go home, but all the time.
  12. So I’m at the bank today, and the attractive female teller was flirting with me and stuff which was weird considering she could see my account balance.
  13. I dreamt I was in a very magical world where people didn’t get butthurt over every little f*cking joke. Weird huh?!?!
  14. I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.
  15. Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
  16. Well, if you’re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
  17. Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
  18. Relationship status : Taken (for granted)
  19. Anyone know how long we are supposed to “Shake It Off”? Taylor never specified and frankly I’m exhausted!
  20. People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.