Granny knot, surgeon’s knot, hangman’s knot, square knot. I can’t do them, but my headphones sure fucking can.
I had no idea time zones were so far apart…Just landed in China and it’s fucking New Year apparently.
All I want to know is, what idiot named it a zipper…And not a penis flytrap?
I got a tattoo in the bald spot on top of my head that reads “let go of my ears lady, I know what I’m doing”
“I wish you would stop staring at my breasts. ” said the barmaid, “you’re making me uncomfortable. ” “Uncomfortable?” I replied, “you want to try sitting on one of these stools with an hard on. “
They say that money can’t buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing…
Priests, TV personalities and now MPs guilty of bum fidderling no wonder us children of the 70/80s bang on about playing outside all day…who the f*ck would have wanted to go indoors
My first mistake was thinking she couldn’t hit a moving target.
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.
Alone floating on a raft in the pool. Asked the neighbor to call my home phone and ask someone to bring me a beer. Work smarter not harder.
I just did my budget for August. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper. I think I’m on to something here.
It’s a do or dive for Robben as Netherlands play Argentina in the semifinals.
The average strokes per game at Wimbledon is 15, unless Maria Sharapova is playing then it is considerably higher…
Everyone is complaining that the Men’s Wimbledon final took 4 and half hours and the women’s took just 51 minutes. So why should women get equal pay….Well it did take them 4 hours before just to get ready.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Kiefer Sutherland is filming next season of ’24’ in Magaluf. The main villain will be an 18 year old blowing 24 victims up.
I once went to an open air Queen concert. There was a terrible electrical storm during the performance. Thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening.
Arjen Robben goes down easier than a thirsty tourist in Magaluf.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me “sweetie” too.