My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
Near my house lives a really hot deaf girl. I often see her walking her dog while I’m out walking mine. Wanting to start a conversation, I started learning sign language. I tried to learn ‘You are beautiful and I’d love to take you out for dinner.’ That was really hard, so I trained my dog to shag hers and I just pointed.
I’ve just broke up with my girlfriend. “It’s not you,” I said. “It’s me: I hate you.”
I got pulled over by a female police officer.When i rolled down my window to ask what was wrong,she said…”NOTHING!”
No thanks, Party Casino; if I wanted to gamble when watching porn, I’d start the video with the volume on full and my door wide open.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Psychologists who have examined Oscar Pistorius say that he is at risk of suicide. Especially if he confuses himself with a burglar.
An Indian man on his death bed. “Sanjita, my wife, are you here?” “Yes, my husband.””My son and daughter, are you here?” “Yes, Papa.””Then who’s in the fucking shop?”
Katie Price and Kerry Katona have both got books coming out this month…which could plunge the U.K. into a huge crayon shortage.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I am suspicious that I am up to something I don’t want myself to know about.
Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn’t… I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.
My African Neighbour just accused me of being racist.I said, ” F*ck Off, I’ve got a coloured TV “.
PLEASE NOTE…The charity event tonight for men that can not ejaculate as been cancelled. . There’s just not enough people coming
I really want to make a joke about Luis Suarez but I don’t want to upset Liverpool fans.F*ck it. Why is Luis Suarez a c*nt? Because he lives in Liverpool.
I tell all the girls I chat to that I last ages in bed. It sounds better than telling them I’m on the dole, and don’t get up until lunchtime.
I don’t want to brag but unlike most men I need both hands for a wank . One for the magnifying glass and one for the tweezers.
Tomorrow France plays Germany… Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War 2 record…
If someone says you’re a nice person, these things will happen: 1) They will ask you for a favor. 2) You will not get laid.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.