No relationship is perfect so you might as well pick the perfect person you want to go through hell with
How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
You’ll end up real disappointed if you grow up thinking everyone has the same heart as you do.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
We can only be friends if you are kind of a bitch. Not a full blown bitch, because that’s no fun. And if you’re not a bitch at all, that won’t work either. A halfway bitch. Those are my kind of people.
“You only want my daughter for one thing!” yelled my girlfriend’s mother. “That’s your fault for not teaching her to cook,” I said.
Called a plumber out the other day. He was Chinese. Called a builder, he was also Chinese. Called an electrician out. He was Chinese as well ! Bloody Yellow Pages
Do you ever play a song and then realise you were too distracted to appreciate the beauty of the song so you replay it?
My Grandad woke up with a puzzled look on his face. The daft b*stard had fallen asleep on his jigsaw.
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who’s knees don’t bend.
Tim Howard has been America’s best goalkeeper since Sylvester Stallone in 1945.
Last week I walked up to Wayne Rooney at the airport and said,”How about an autograph mate?” “Sure.” He replied. So I signed a photo print of myself and gave it to him.
I just updated my Facebook status as – “Gonna chill in the garden with a few beers :).” My boss commented – “I thought you were sick? Lying about your health is against company policy and is a very serious matter.” I replied – “And so is using the work’s internet to go on social networking sites.”
A Japanese company upset Americans by selling clothes labeled Skinny, Fat and Jumbo. They have since changed them to Large, Extra Large and American.
Rafael Nadal got done by an Australian teenager today at Wimbledon. Rolf Harris is having raging fits of jealousy.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
The awkward moment when you remember something but you don’t know if it was real or just a dream.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My friend asked “What do blind people think about when they masturbate?” I’d be willing to bet that it is something along the lines of “Who the f*ck is watching me”