Funny Whatsapp Status

  1. Dear time, more weekend please.
  2. When your momma taught you to look both ways she didn’t mean be two faced.
  3. In my day, you actually had to leave your house to be a whore. Thanks, internet.
  4. I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
  5. Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
  6. I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
  7. Which came first. . . social media or dumb people? AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language?
  8. I was called a sexist today … I said, I think you’re mistaken …its pronounced sexy.
  9. I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
  10. Let me be clear, I don’t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment.
  11. I’m opening a bar called The Office. You’re welcome guys. “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”
  12. When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
  13. Looks like it’s time to start pretending Andy Murray isn’t Scottish again…
  14. “I don’t really know my best position. left, right or center” “Wayne, just get on the fcuking plane and pick an aisle will you.”
  15. I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
  16. The England squad have been receiving death threats and this morning they awoke to find a horses head. Fortuneatly, it was only Wayne Rooney asleep.
  17. Since It’s summer here’s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
  18. Any room can be a panic room if she tells you “we need to talk”
  19. I can’t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
  20. Sexually rubbing the wall until you find the light switch.