This girl told me that she wouldn’t sleep with me if I was the last person on Earth. If I was the last person on Earth, she wouldn’t have a choice in the matter.
A ball boy has been sacked from the world cup after saying to Wayne Rooney, “You can fuck off if you think I’m going looking for that one. “
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex. Just this morning she asked, “Is that the best you can do?”
My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can. So I killed his mum.
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, “Oi, what’s your disability?” I said, “Tourettes! Now fuck off you c*nt!”
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fcuk me the pass the parcel was quick!
Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I’m alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I’m fantastic.
People are saying that the Kardashians think Khloe’s new boyfriend doesn’t love her. They think he’s simply using her to be famous or as they put it, “Welcome to the family.”
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
My wife was reading the paper and said, “Tut tut, that’s terrible. Another woman in India has been gang-raped and hung.”I replied, “Actually it’s ‘hanged’. In India, women are hanged. In Thailand, women are hung.”
My phone bill was huge this month. A couple of weeks ago I rang in sick for my wife and her boss asked me what was wrong with her.
It’s a good thing Maradona isn’t still playing. Who knows what he’d do when the ref sprays that white line on the pitch.