England are to have a new captain next week. His name is Roger Smith and he’s the pilot for the flight home.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I asked Roy Hodgson if he would consider 4-4-2 next week. He said, “No, we’ll probably go 7-4-7 – it’s wider and offers more leg room.”
“Game of Thrones” author George R. R. Martin joined Twitter this week. He already has 80,000 followers — and that’s just the cast of “Game of Thrones.”
Roy Hodgson has told the England squad that they’ll have to tighten their belts next week. He also added that they should not remove them until the “fasten seat belt” sign goes out.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
Roy Hodgson has some really important decisions to make now. Like if he wants a window or aisle seat.
The Russians will probably do well at the World Cup. Today Vladimir Putin gave the Russian team a motivational speech. He said, “Remember, if you can’t beat ’em — invade ’em.”
The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I’m not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.
According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately, when the cars crashed they were all going eight miles per hour.
Sometimes a person is completely out of the picture but you just can’t let go of the frame.
I hate when I’m set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Just wrapped up a great Father’s Day with a phone call with my Dad. He taught me everything I know about fishing, grilling,and fixing things. He also taught me what to say and how to say it if I stub my toe or hit my thumb with a hammer. Thanks Dad!
The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope” said Jose, age 6.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body…
The worst thing you can do to a woman is to not let her see the picture you just took of her.
TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.