Your mamma so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!!
You only have one childhood, it may as well last your entire life.
I’m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
Remember, I’m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn’t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
You know you’re a bad driver when your GPS tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”
Newly leaked documents show the NSA has been collecting millions of pictures of people online for its sophisticated facial recognition program. Americans said it’s a huge violation of their privacy — then they went back to posting selfies every 30 minutes.
Today Apple announced a new feature that will let your iPhone monitor your diet and track your calorie intake. Or you can pay extra for an iPhone that minds its own business. Can you imagine Siri talking to you like, “Hey, Chunky.”
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
In a new interview, President Obama revealed that his daughter Malia recently went to her first prom. She wore a corsage on her wrist while her date wore a red laser dot on his head.
Spain’s king, Juan Carlos, has stepped down from the throne to make way for his son, who is more popular. Which, by the way, would be the worst “Game of Thrones” episode ever.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I’m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge…
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
The Clippers are gonna be bought by the former CEO of Microsoft. Apparently he’s looking for something to occupy himself while Windows is installing “critical updates.”
We’re learning more about the sale of the L.A. Clippers. Insiders say it came down to a bidding war between Steve Ballmer and Oprah. I’ll let you guess who Donald Sterling rooted for.
Some people should put professional victim on their resumé
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Humour is of two types – below the belt and above the forehead.