There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
According to my current parking spot, I’m Chief of Police.
I’m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
I believe that every person has a story to tell…which is why I stay at home.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you fucking dirty bastard”
Someone told me: You shouldn’t fall in love because you might get hurt…. I said yeah: And you shouldn’t fuckin live because you might die..
If you could only pick 1 wish out of these 4 choices,which one will you pick???? “Pls Comment”1. To earn money without working.2. To be smart without studying.3. To love without being hurt.4. To eat without getting fat.
The lifeguard kicked me out of the swimming pool this morning for peeing in the water. I said, why are you picking on me? everybody else does it ? he said yeah, but not from the diving board you dick head.
My life would be so much easier if i wasn’t intelligent enough to realize how fucking stupid some people are.
Why do single people take dating advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions.
Have you noticed that “LOL” has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I don’t fuckinig have anything else to say”.
Definition of FACEBOOK? It’s a place where Boy posts a Joke, Gets No Response….And If Girl Posts The Same Joke, She Gets 150 Likes, 300 Comments & 60 Friends Requests.
Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a Women pushing it around.
Standing closer to me in line right up my ass will not make it go faster. Back the fuck up you faggott
Dear Homework. They might be doing you, But They are always thinking about me. Sincerely FACEBOOK
Be good to yourself, you’re all you’ve got.
How to take selfies: Step 1: Take 40 pictures. Step 2: Post the least bad one.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
I’m not playing hard to get. I’m playing leave me the fuck alone.
That awesome moment when you comment and get more likes than a person who has tried to insult you in their status. Priceless.