The less people you chill with….The less bullshit you deal with.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
I used to forget time with you. Now, I’ll just forget you with time.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart on Saturday. Or, as they call that in Arizona, “taking a selfie.”
Damn bro, judging by your handshake I would hate to be your d*ck.
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever…
I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
The stadium that will host the opening match of the World Cup still isn’t ready yet because there are problems with 20,000 seats. When asked what’s wrong with the seats, officials said, “There’s no stadium built around them.”
Over the weekend, the new “Godzilla” movie came out. I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I don’t know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses…
It would have been more realistic if that Michael Jackson hologram last night touched a few little little boys in the front row.
A new Michael Jackson album was released this week and it contains a track titled “Do You Know Where Your Children Are?” Even worse, the next song is called, “Can You Give Me Directions?”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
When I give people a tour of my bedroom, I like to say, “And this is where the magic happens,” followed by a sad, “… magic isn’t real.”
People who remote lock their car 2 times seriously have trust issues. Personally, I do it 3 times but that’s just my OCD.