Funny Whatsapp Status

  1. My wife and I only disagree on the small things, like the importance of my happiness and whether anything I say matters.
  2. My attractive feature is that sometimes I go away.
  3. Facebook taught me to mind everyone else’s business.
  4. It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
  5. Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.
  6. I’ve been dating a homeless women recently, and i think its getting serious. She asked me to move out with her.
  7. The only difference between politics and religion is whether the hope is for this life, or the next.
  8. I just read an article in the newspaper about how 60% of adults still live with their parents. I was like “OMG Mum did you read this???”
  9. Some people don’t like telling the truth, others don’t like hearing it.
  10. Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
  11. Who was the marketing genius who decided to call killer whales “killer whales” instead of “sea pandas”???
  12. If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
  13. See someone you know in a store….. “WHAT’S UP MAN!!” Walk around and see them again….. Nod your head & slight wave See them a third time…. Avoid all eye contact.
  14. I never would’ve noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.
  15. Pay attention to all these women that are posting pictures with their mom’s on Mother’s Day because that is what they are going to look like!
  16. Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
  17. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
  18. “As seen on tv”: Get two pieces of crap that don’t work for the price of one.
  19. Well done, you are popular on Social Media. Sorry about the rest of your life.
  20. You had me at “there’s no security cameras.”