My phone’s low battery warning is the only warning I take seriously.
Me: My father’s name is LAUGHING and my Mother’s name is SMILING. Teacher: You must be Kidding? Me: No, that’s my brother. I’m JOKING.
I like to listen to sad music when I’m sad to make me double sad.
He’s hot, I swear! Hang on, let me find another photo…
There isn’t anything that keeps you awake at night like a case of the what ifs.
Mum: Why hasn’t ________? been around lately? I thought you were good friends? Me: Because he turned into a cunt.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I’ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I’ll cry, because they suck and I realize that I’ve wasted 2 or 3 minutes of my life.
I hate it when somebody always comments on my status but never likes them.
Some people are so fake that they make Pamela Anderson’s boobs look real!
He died doing what he loved: telling me I’m overreacting.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
I came up with a plan to help people with debt, it’s called “Don’t buy shit you can’t afford!”
My landlord just called and said my neighbors just complained about all the loud freaky sex they are hearing from my house… So now I’m on my way to buy some headphones for my laptop…
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site. The amount of tissue paper I get through, I’m still not sure that’s environmentally sustainable.
Life isn’t a fairy tale. It’s a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff colouring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Don’t you just hate it when you meet a hot girl, you look her up on Facebook and find there are fucking 150 + mutual friends and nobody told you about her. Thanks a lot assholes.