Funny Whatsapp Status

  1. Simba was going too slow, so I told him to Mufasa.
  2. That awkward moment when you have to get over someone you never even dated.
  3. Me: doctor doctor I cant stop fucking farting… Doctor: *runs out the room comes back with a ten foot pole*Me: OMG!!!!!!! what are you gonna do with that??? Doctor: OPEN UP A FEW FUCKING WINDOWS
  4. Selfie… Because it’s important to realize that it’s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
  5. The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyone’s face at Starbucks.
  6. I’m going to save my resolution for 2015, I think I want to be an asshole for another year.
  7. He called me ugly…. I called him an ambulance.
  8. That awkward moment when your phone auto-corrects “I wanna do it” to “I wanna donut” because it knows you’re fat.
  9. You know what really turns me on? Unprotected…..WiFi.
  10. I’ll always be here for you … Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I’ll be over there for you.
  11. A simple ”Fuck you” can save hours of conversation.
  12. I feel like a text is too serious without an “lol” or “haha” in there somewhere.
  13. If you are unhappy with this status update, please press 0 to speak with a customer service representative. Just kidding! Kiss my ass
  14. Friend: Hey dude, tell me a joke.  Me: Pussy.  Friend: I don’t get it?  Me: I know you don’t…
  15. Sluts should be called ”Humpty Dumpty” because first they get humped then they get dumped.
  16. If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy.
  17. A guy at work calls me “Partner” and another guy calls me “Chief”. Apparently we’re playing Cowboys and Indians and I’m a double agent.
  18. People think that in Africa we ride lions and elephants to work. That’s ridiculous, we don’t have jobs.
  19. Relationship status – bathing everyday isn’t a priority anymore.
  20. My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we’ll try butt stuff…….. * Please DON’T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary…..